Tools explained

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Tools explained

Post  lynnr on Fri 16 Nov 2012, 8:22 am

Pinched from TT and most possible www


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity or abdominal resistance. Most commonly used to remove finger tips that would otherwise be struck by a hard object. See HAMMER below.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, asthe name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. It is also used to strike one’s own fingers holding a nail.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Air hammer; used for perforating ear drums

Lathe; used to make shafts fit sloppily into bearings

Rivet Hammer; used for firing projectiles such as rivet snaps at high speed across the workshop and out of the door

Milling machine; extremely useful for those moments when you want to snap the edges off a cutter

Angle grinder; for those awkward jobs where you need to cut through into a work top or floor

Plasma; by far the best tool for cutting through steel worktops

Stick welder; mainly used for artistic work where it is neccessary to age a piece to look as if it has been used as a pigeon roost.

Mig welder; superior form of artistic aging, can even make it look as if the pigeons have been workign upside down

Impact wrench; as the name implies this is the way to give instant impact to a project as a final touch by competely removing the heads off bolts.

Bottle Jack; for when you need to balance something precariously, if you have the bottle

Micrometer; for measuring large distances to the nearest metre.

Last edited by lynnr on Fri 16 Nov 2012, 10:03 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Tools explained

Post  Tony King on Fri 16 Nov 2012, 8:43 am

Nice one Lynn, you've just explained my whole workshop & how it works!! I won't even bother to discribe the Lathe & what it can do!!

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Re: Tools explained

Post  Rickster on Fri 16 Nov 2012, 10:36 am

Very funny. So true, Lynn - very apt for my workshop.


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More tools

Post  Steve Traill on Fri 16 Nov 2012, 12:42 pm

Very good Lynn, I've given that list to all my apprentices!

Here's a few more:

Wood Chisel: Used for making incisions at the base of your thumb ensuring maximum blood flow

Hand saw: Used for cutting wood/fingers somewher near a line but never next to or on the line

Bradawl: Used for stabbing aimlessly in the bench

Tape measure: Used as a pretend yo yo until it breaks

Smoothing plane: A tool that comes apart easily but is never put back together again

Small drill bits: Designed to drill half the depth needed before snapping

Large drill bits: Designed to drill through material twice as fast as expected and into your bench

Coping saw: Device for snapping thin blades in seconds

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Re: Tools explained

Post  Robfishman on Sat 17 Nov 2012, 9:27 am

Has made my could add fret saw to that last one Steve.

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